i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
