I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
