I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
