see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
