did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
