peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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