hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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