So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
