Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I have tasted many bathrooms
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
