Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
