At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
