Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
