New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
