I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
