Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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