Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
