apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
