Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
