i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
