i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
