I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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