I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She told me I should be a condom model.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
