I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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