if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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