I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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