I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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