Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
