If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
