peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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