too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
