Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
