Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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