Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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