Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
