i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
