i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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