I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
