we have officially lost it.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
