When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
