Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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