Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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