I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
