i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
