apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
