the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
