someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
