I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
