but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
