HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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