you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize