My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
