I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
