I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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