I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
