I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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