my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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