I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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