Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
